The Real Meaning Behind Instagram Hashtags

#bnw_captures – took a photo that sucked, converted it to black and white in the vain hope that it might improve it – it did not

#nofilter – Maybe not applied in Instagram, but almost certainly processed to fuck and back in Photoshop. This tag is generally only used after a painful process of self-realisation in which the Instagrammer discovers that every single one of their 9,000 over-saturated eye-bleeding nightmare-like photographs is vile.

#travelstoke – unemployed hipsters photographing their feet in picturesque locations from a mattress in the back of a 20 year old Transit van.

#wanderlust – as per travelstoke only without the van

#natgeo – lol

#modelsofinstagram – Tiffany, 19 years old, failed hair-dresser, currently showcasing her spray-tan and bolt-on tits in the hope of becoming an ‘influencer’

#sensual_ladies – As above only in a plus size

#dronestagram – bomb shot of a beach that could be anywhere on the planet (except maybe Woking) processed using a high contrast Lightroom preset

#ishootfilm – I’m edgy and desperately trying to differentiate myself from the million other photographers told by friends and family that they ought to ‘go pro’ because they’re ‘really good’

#fashionphotographer – Brian (22) photographing his girlfriend Nadine (20 – sucking on a lollypop) on city roof-tops and train stations

#boudoirphotography – Mature woman who has applied make-up with a trowel wearing ill-advised crotchless knickers posing on a brass bedstead with scarfs tied lightly around her wrists while her husband nurses a painful erection from the shadows behind the photographer

#uas – drone flier with a licence who stopped calling his/her drone a drone the day he/she passed a two day test in a sports field and was charged several thousand dollars for the honour

#picoftheday – just padding out to my 30th hashtag

#goldenratio – never, ever the golden ratio

#streetart – photograph taken of something artistic by someone who isn’t

#moodygrams – light rain and a street lamp

#justgoshoot – quantity over quality

#photography – I’ve given up the will to live

#fineartphotographer – Wanker with delusions of grandure

#foodgram – Eggs benedict on sourdough that went cold while the photographer tested all 900 filter permutations in Snapseed

#concertphotographer – Postage stamp sized stage about a kilometre away from the photographer

#urbanphotography – piss-stinking alleyway filtered with crushed blacks

#explorer – gap year snapshots of monkeys in Thailand

#dronebois – drone shot taken in contravention of at least three national airspace laws

#astrography – bloke shining an LED torch up into the sky

#global_hotshotz – every photo ever posted on Instagram must have this tag, but nobody knows why

#jaw_dropping_shotz – 100% saturation and clarity

#wildlifephotography – zoo animals photographed with a long lens in order to look like they were in the Serengeti and not London

#madwhips – Suburu with a body kit, side skirts and an exhaust system

#leadinglines – a railway track

#abstract – blurred

#instagood – categorically shite

#selfshot – duckface narcissist